The Path Less Traveled

Someone offered me to take the path less traveled. I said, "No, thank you," because I can feel happiness at the end of the path that I'm going through right now.

when things do not fall exactly where you want them to fall. when everything's going well but you still feel there's something missing. when home is not as friendly as you think it is. when you feel like saying more things but your heart is telling you not to. when your blue is stronger than your other colors. it's just one of those days. what would you do to fix me?

"Is True Love Fact, Fiction, or Something in Between?"

What is true love? And does it really exist?

You fall in love too many times without knowing which one is the actual true love. You keep saying, "this is the one" every time you fall in love, without actually feeling the true love itself. After a while you're getting tired of it, because you realize that every time you fall in love, your relationship never lasts.

And why is that? Is there really such a thing as true love? Or is that just something that we create, like a fiction book? Or is it just something in between?

To me, true love does exist. True love is to love and to be loved very deeply. True love is the reason why you cry happily when you think about it. True love doesn't cause pain, because the love connection that you and your partner have can turn into a healer every time the pain emerges.

True love is when you feel like you can never get enough of your partner. True love is when your mind is actually telling you that you have finally met the person that you can't live without. The idea of falling in true love makes you cry because you feel like you never love somebody this much, it's amazing. True love makes you believe without a doubt that your partner's the one. True love is never perfect and never a fiction, but one thing I know about true love is it can make your life complete, which is perfectly enough for me.

Quotes from the movie "Guess Who:"

Simon Green: "That's just it, she's everything I'm not. You know, she's my other half. Without her I'm not whole. You know the thing about meeting your other half is you're walking around, you think you're happy, you think you're whole, then you realize you ain't shit without her. Then you can't go back to being just a half 'cause you know what it's like to be whole."

Beautiful Words

"You and I are connected in a way that goes beyond romance, beyond friendship, beyond what we've ever had before. It has defied time, distance, and changes in ourselves and in our lives. And it has defied every explanation except one: purely and simply, we're soul mates. I can't explain it. I just feel it. It's there in the way my spirit subtly lifts whenever we talk, how the sound of your voice brings me home in a way I can't explain. It's in the delight I feel when we laugh at exactly the same things.

When I'm with you, it's like a tiny part of the universe shifts into the place it's supposed to be, and all is right with the world. These things, and so many more, have made me understand that this is a once-in-a-lifetime, forever connection that could only exist between you and me. And deep in my soul, I know that our relationship is a rare gift, one that will bring us an extraordinary happiness all through our lives."

(Suzanne Heins)

I wish I may, I wish I might..

Today's my birthday. Yay! I'm grateful to be here in life today and feel how's it like to be 24. Thanks to all my friends for their wonderful wishes and presents. I, myself, have my own wish. It's a simple wish with a lot of meaning. I'm not asking for anything but the wish I wish today.

I wish I may, I wish I might..have this wish I wish today...(amin).

The Truth About Modern Romance

"If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking."

Hello Stranger...I said that to myself when our eyes met. I can feel the sparks. I can sense the connection. Is this a love at first sight? Is there really such a thing as love at first sight?

I guess the quote from the movie "Closer" above says it all. You will never stop seeking for true love if you keep looking at people on the street and trying to make eye contact with the person you think is the "right" person. Love won't happen just like that, in a blink of an eye. Love grows from truth and honesty and lots of other values, and that takes time. That's all I can say. The love you think you feel may only be a desire for the love itself.

"Love is an accident waiting to happen"

When you fall in love with someone, you don't have a choice. Well, maybe you do, it's either you're falling in love with that person, or you're denying the fact that you love that person because you don't want any troubles. You can do this or you can resist. However, sometimes it just happens..like what the quote says..is an accident waiting to happen. But, can we really say that love is an accident? Or is it the moment that's the actual accident? The moment of our lives that we can't avoid? The moments when the universe is trying to help us and tell us to fall in love?

Dan: "I fell in love with her, Alice."

Alice: "Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment? I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it? And I don't know when your moment was, but I bet there was one."

Larry: "You don't know the first thing about love because you don't understand compromise."

"Desire is a stranger...you think you know"

Like I said before, people often mistakenly the desire for love with the love itself. They force themselves to fall in love, when they're unsure about the feelings they have or about what love is all about. They feel like they've become friends with the stranger, when they know that the stranger is still a stranger. At the end, they will realize that the feelings they have before are actually the strangers they think they know.

Alice: "Where is this 'love'? I can't see it, I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."

"Intimacy is a lie...we tell ourselves"

This is just wrong, I think. Why would we want intimacy if we lie about our feelings and the whole relationship? Why is there such a thing as pretending? Pretending to love and pretending to be loved. Why would we want to be in denial all the time about what's really going on? Why do we have to be actors in a relationship, when we know that this is a real life and not a movie? Why do we have to lie? Why do we set aside truth and honesty, when we realize that those are the values of the relationship itself?

Anna: "Why is the sex so important?"

Larry: "Because I'm a fucking caveman!"

"Truth is a game...you play to win"

The last quote here may explains the truth about modern romance, where the concepts of truth and honesty are used for competition and not for something we should respect. In this modern romance, they may still value truth and honesty. However, they don't use them to uphold the relationship or for forgiveness anymore, but they use them as tools to hurt others. They may think that the "love they can't resist" is the cause of all these problems. They want to be in the game where they can win and avoid hurts, without even realizing that what they do is hurting.

Dan: "What's so great about truth? Try lying for a change - it's the currency of the world."

Alice: "I don't want to lie. I can't tell the truth. So it's over."

Anna: "Don't stop loving me. I can see it draining out of you. It meant nothing. If you love me, you'll forgive me."

Dan: "I owe you an apology. I fell in love with her. My intention was not to make you suffer."

Though it sounds complicated, I must say that I love this movie. Throughout the movie you'll find some people who are never satisfied and always looking for something more in a relationship. The sad thing is they always start looking when they're not supposed to and they can't never stop.

Soulmates - Do they really exist?

Sometimes in a relationship we question ourselves whether or not our partners are our soulmates. We feel the connection and love between each other that we sometimes try to convince ourselves that we have found our soulmates. But then, not all relationships work out perfectly like in fairy tales. Things happen here and there, and when things are starting to fall apart, we realize that our partners are not exactly the people who we consider as our soulmates.

So, the question is, do soulmates really exist or are they only our imaginations and creations in life? Is there really someone on the other side of this world who is waiting to complete you? And is it a part of our missions in this life to find that other half? Or is this just another serendipity or a fortunate accident that waiting to happen?

So many questions, so little answers.

One thing about soulmates is they may come when the time is right, you may not even realize.

I consider a soulmate as someone who can fill my life with peace and happiness. Someone who can complete me when I feel incomplete. Someone whom I can open up to without being asked. Someone who is the missing piece of a puzzle that I've been searching for. Someone who can make me smile from the heart when I finally put down that last missing piece. Someone who can make me feel wanted. Someone who can give me a warm feeling that I've never felt before. Someone whom I trust. Someone who can make me a better person everyday. Someone who can make a simple word, such as "us" means more than anything. Someone whom I can't stop thinking about. Someone whom I consider as one of the most important parts of my life. Someone whom I can't live without. And finally, someone whom I truly love so much.

So, do they really exist? I guess they do. Of course, if you believe in them.

ps: thanks for coming into my life.

"A soulmate is someone who has the locks to fit our keys, and the keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we; we can be loved for who we are and for who we're pretending to be. Each of us unveils the best part of one another. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person were safe in our paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."

-Richard Bach

a little note

"And every time I close my eyes
I thank the Lord that I've got you
And you've got me too
And every time I think of it
I pinch myself 'cause I don't believe it's true
That someone like you loves me too..."

(Every Time I Close My Eyes - Babyface)

It Feels Like Home

Happy Birthday, baby :)

"Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life"

(Feels Like Home - Chantal Kreviazuk)

Something Waiting to Happen

They say that your dreams will come true when the time's right. They say that you'll know when he comes along. They say that you'll really feel it when the moment's right. They say that you'll know when the mourning period is over. They say that your heart will definitely lead you to the right path.

It's like something waiting to happen. And I'm glad that it actually happens.

Found my ox..and he gave me a flower the other night :)


"I never felt magic crazy as this. I never saw moons, knew the meaning of the sea.
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree but now you're here, brighten my northern sky.

Been a long time that I'm waiting, been a long that I'm blown.
Been a long time that I've wandered through the people I have known.
Oh, if you would and you could straighten my new mind's eye."

(Northern Sky - Nick Drake)

Choosing Between Two Different Paths

There's always a time in your life when you have to choose between two paths. To me, this is one of the most overwhelming situations. You spend hours and hours thinking about which path you should follow. You often wonder what will happen if you choose the first path instead of the second. Will it make your life different? Will it make you happier? Or it will only make you regret about the whole thing?

The worst part is you know that your decision will definitely affect others, which makes it even harder to make a decision. Instead of thinking about what will this decision do to your life, you're thinking about what will this decision do to others' lives. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. You know that you can't be selfish and you should also think about other people, but then again, this is your decision. You're actually the one who'll be doing what the decision is. Gosh, I feel very overwhelmed just writing about it.

Decision..decision..decision. In this life, it's all about making decision. Why is it so hard to make a decision? That, I can't explain.

I like choices, options, or whatever you wanna call them. But to be honest, I don't like to choose. Especially if I have to choose between two different paths.


"This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own too long
When ya hold me like you do
It feels so right, oh now
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets flowin
Feeling like ya can't go on"

(This Year's Love - David Gray)

How soon is too soon?

People say we should think before we act or speak. Never act or speak too soon. Otherwise you will regret it in the end. Regret is not only a strong word, but also something that no one ever wants to experience. However, sometimes you just never know whether something is too soon or not until it actually happens.

The question is, how soon is too soon?

In my dictionary, there's no such thing as "too soon." In other words, when it happens, it happens :)

"N is for the uNexplainable feelings I have for you, considering the short time since we've met." (him)

Dear you..

it's only been 2 weeks. definitely sweet and very charming. the feelings i have are far beyond belief. thanks for everything and thanks for being you..

current playlist:

* Ten2five - You
* From Autumn to Ashes - Autumn Monologues
* Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter
* Mazzy Star - Fade in to You
* U2 - Sometimes You Can't Make it on Your Own
* The Sundays - Wild Horses

about the rooster (1981)

All eyes are on you when you enter a room. You love to attract attention and admiration where ever you are. You like to be organized and keep everything neat. This includes all of your personal items as well as your social life. When it comes to planning or organizing anything, you like to be the boss.

Your intelligence is a much-admired quality. You are a quick thinker, practical and always seem to make due with whatever you have on-hand. It doesn’t take you long to find an answer to a problem. Friends seem to flock to you when they need good advice.

Generally, you are a humble person and find yourself with many friends. But watch your temper! When someone tells you something you don’t want to hear, you have a tendency to blurt out the wrong thing and hurt feelings.

your most compatible signs are the ox or snake..

So, it's either snake or ox, huh? :)

speed of sound

There is a point in your life when you're not sure about what you're doing. This is when you know that if you just follow your heart, you will find a new adventure. You can smell the excitement of this new adventure before it even begins. You're nervous. You want more. You're trying to satisfy your curiousity, though you're not sure what you're gonna get in the end.




How long before I get in
Before it starts before I begin
How long before you decide
Before I know what it feels like
Where to where do I go
If you never tried then you'll never know
How long do I have to climb
Up on the side of this mountain of mine

Look up I look up at night
Planets are moving at the speed of light
Climb up, up in the trees
Every chance that you get
Is a chance you seize
How long am I gonna stand
With my head stuck under the sand
I'll start before I can stop
Before I see things the right way up

[CHORUS:]
All that noise and all that sound
All those places I doth found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you'd understand
Ideas that you'll never find
All the inventors could never design
The buildings that you put up
Japan and China all lit up
The sign that I couldn't read
Or a light that I couldn't see
Some things you have to believe
But others are puzzles puzzling me

[CHORUS]

Oh when you see it then you'll understand

All those signs I knew what they meant
Some things you can invent
Some get made and some get sent

Birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you'd understand
Oh when you see it then you'll understand

(Coldplay - Speed of Sound) JUNE 7!!

we're just ordinary people

wednesday night. still sweet. crash. pink. blue. june. cancer. leo. sick. flyers. saturday. 5 pm. thursday night. phone call at 9:51 pm. the blower's daughter. music. movies. downloading. keyboard. blacklight. alfie. 23 not 26. saturday. good night. 01:07:35.

"We're just ordinary people, we don't know which way to go." (John Legend - Ordinary people)

Dear Diary...

Today, I feel like writing to you rather than just talking. I just wanna say that finally, I can feel myself starting to smile again on the inside after a year of mourning if you know what I mean. A year of pretending hasn't been that easy, though I'm surprise that I survive. It all went by so fast, but I can't complain. Though I don't feel like looking back, I know that I've learned a lot. I've been watching and learning, where I see a lot of pains, tears, lies, hurts, secrets, and hypocrites in my surroundings. Isn't that sad? It's scary. I must say that life's not always easy and ordinary.

Everyday you're thinking about whom should you trust, whom should you be friends with, and whom should you love. You find more downs than ups. You feel like you're in a state of confusion, where you can't get out from this never ending circle. You feel like you're always outside of your comfort zone. You feel like you're screaming inside, but your voice is on mute. You're just pretending to be what you think people want you to be, when they see that you've changed. I'm not a fake, if that's what you're thinking. I was just hiding for a while. For my own good, of course.

But now, I feel like everything's getting better day by day. I'm not hoping too much for anything, but at least I'm starting to build dreams again, step by step.

i'm spoiled...

M. flowers. dinner. love movies. closer. starbucks. the interpreter. sweet. i'm spoiled..can't stop smiling :)

"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you"
(Why Can't I - Liz Phair)

i love you

"If I love you this much, and I'm not the one for you, then the one for you will be everything I am; and everything I'm not." (unknown)

finding love

Two movies...Alfie and closer.

Jude Law was amazingly gorgeous and sexy. Both stories relate to one purpose. Finding love. Though he ended up with nobody in those movies, he might had learned how to love and find love.

What is love anyway? People said the "i love you" words so many times, which makes the words less and less powerful. I fell in love so many times and I've said the "i love you" words many times. Every time those three words came out from my mouth, it always felt like the first time I've said it. But is that what love really is? If it is, isn't it suppose to stay? Or is that what they called "the right moment" to say those words? I'm confused.

To me, falling in love is easy, but finding true love is hard.


"'I love you', are three words with infinite meanings, but only one feeling." (unknown)


Current playlist:

- The Blower's Daughter: Damien Rice
- Hear You Me: Jimmy Eat World
- Inside of Love: Nada Surf
- Why can't I: Liz Phair
- Look What You've Done: Jet
- This Year's Love: David Gray

blah..

he's so close, yet so far...
he's nice...
he's awesome...
he has his own elements spinned through the beats of satisfaction...
he's not mine...
cause he's taken

(unknown)

sadis..huehuhe..

The story of my life

Gosh..it's been a while since I wrote a real post here. Although I have so much to do right now, I feel like sharing something. That will be the story of my life :) Though, I wrote about some of these events sometimes ago, I just had to share them again.

I was born on July 27, 1981. Growing up in a small family with my mom, dad, and my sister, I have always been the quiet one, but none of my friends will believe me if I tell them I'm quiet and shy! I went to a preschool called tk Kembang and it turned out that I had several friends that I met throughout my life who went to that preschool too. Even my brother in-law went to that preschool with my sister before they even knew each other and fell in love.

I can say that I grew up in a devoted Moslem family. I went to an Islamic school since I was probably five-years-old. I met my very first friend when I was in the 1st grade. She was my deskmate and playmate. We went everywhere together and even moved out from one school to another together.

When I was in junior high, I met my first boyfriend. He was a year younger. Since then, my friends often joke around with me always attracted to little kid! It was weird, but hey..that's what happened. We went out for about nine months and that was it. I had a crush once with my bestfriend's ex-boyfriend, who was also my bestfriend. Confusing? Yes. Did she know? Yes. What happened? Nothing..and we're still bestfriend..it's just only a crush anyway.

I was a crazy kid in junior high who loved to make prank calls to the high school seniors and spy on them everywhere. I loved to just being silly.

When I graduated from junior high, I decided to try something new. I went to this great catholic school with only girls. One of my reasons was because of my boredom with my school uniforms which was always the same since I was in the elementary school! In my high school, I got to wear colorful short skirts and short sleeve shirts instead of a long..I mean long..boring skirts and long sleeve shirts. Hey..I lived in Jakarta where it's hot like crazy!

My first week in high school was a nightmare! My seniors were so damn scary. I got yelled and it was so freakin' annoying. Thank God my cousin was one of the seniors, so I got a little better treatment than the others :P I met a couple of my elementary school friends in high school, which was exiting. One of them become my close bestfriends. Being in a school with only girls had made us gone crazy here and there sometimes.

I met my second boyfriend when I was in my first year of highschool. Of course we were not in the same school! And the funny thing was, he was one of my bestfriends' ex who turned out to be a fake. What a real jerk! February 18, that was our anniversary. Eewh! Although I thought he's very cute. We went out for about two or three months and everything's a mess. We had a fight once because of a silly thing. I told him that Gwen Steffani was once a guy and she's now a transgender. We had a stupid fight because of that and never talked to each other ever since. It took me a year or two to forget about him. Crazy!

During my high school was when the Internet was booming. E-mails, online chat, etc. I got involved in what was called online love. Gross! I had a crush on one of them once. He was not even my type because he had this really weird but yet funkiest style ever. Then, I met someone who became my best buddy ever but we've never even met. Everything became so confusing, we were on and off, until I got yelled by his ex girlfriend on the Internet. What a weirdo.

I had a great sweet 17th birthday party during my second year in high school. Although I didn't know about 30 percent of the people who came to the party, I still enjoyed it. It was fun.

In my last year of high school, I got a chance to act like a senior. Yelling at our juniors for no reasons and acting crazy were my favorite times in high school. Especially after yelling to one of my juniors who turned out to be my ex-boyfriend's "I don't know what to call it."

My prom was okay. Didn't have a date but we all girls went together and booked a room at the hotel. Throughout the history, our school had always had the prom with another high school which was also a homogeneous school, with only guys.

Overall, my high school years were alright.

I graduated from high school and met this guy. Went out for two or three months and I broke it off. Why? We just had a different principle and I realized that we couldn't go anywhere because of that.

I did not get into any state universities, which was kinda sad. I was thinking on studying abroad. The options were either Singapore, Malaysia, and the U.S. But then, my mom found this community college that allowed its students to transfer to the U.S.

There I was..studying at IEP (Int'l Education Programs). My college years were great. I met great people who become my bestfriends. Again, I had a crush on one of them for more than a year. To me..he's perfect. Well, okay..almost. We're very close and had the same interest. He was..unpredictable. Yes..that's a perfect word for him. On and off that's how he was. "I need time to explore everything," that's what he pretty much said. Blah! He made me really stressed out that I just lost myself and cried to a couple of my friends on the rooftop of the building. That became a joke throughout the years. Oh well. Then he went out with another girl and didn't tell me about it. Whatever.

During my college year in Jakarta I got involved in this group of friends who planned to organize a "Battle of the bands" show. I met really cool people and become good friends with them. Meetings after meetings, we decided to not do it because it just hard to do it at that time. Though it was over, we all still hang out a lot and I ended up creating an event organizer with a couple of those people. Redlight productions. Lol!

It went great and I found my interest in event planning because of it. Without being over confident, I can say that I am good at it, although I still have a lot to learn. We organized a couple parties and had really fun times. We hung out almost every week, went to new cool bars and clubs in town on Fridays and went to movies or eat out on Saturdays. I missed the old times.

Also, during my college year, I met my friend from junior high, whom I had a crush on once, through my friend. It was so funny. We went out a couple of times and I didn't feel anything. So, I decided to stop and I regretted it.

Then, I graduated from my college and got an associate degree. I applied to several schools in the U.S. to continue my study and ended up in this good ol' Colorado. It was kinda sad leaving my friends and my life in Jakarta. It's going to be different, I knew it.

A couple of my friends from my community college also went to the U.S. to continue their study. One of them was in New York and another one went to Philly.

I got into the Business school in Colorado State University majoring in computer information system, which I hated the most, and marketing, which I enjoyed the most.

Around two or three months after I arrived, I started this relationship with this guy and it went on for almost three years. He's a great guy and everything, but we had problems here and there and we just didn't see us in the future. I believe that everything happened for a reason, so I just had to let it go. He just moved back home for good a couple of months ago.

I started working part time at this dining hall at the university. It was great! Earned my own money and everything.

My sister got married five months after I arrived here. I couldn't go home because I had so many tests and it was impossible to come home at that time.

My sister and her husband moved to D.C. for about three months. It was great, because I had the chance to visit them.

In my third semester, I became the president of the Indonesian Students Association and with my interest in event planning, I organized this huge..huge event called "Indonesian Night" where we had around 400 attendances. It was awesome and it felt great.

I graduated in 2003 and decided to go to grad school, majoring in technical journalism and communication. Journalism? That is not me. But then I found out that it's not all about journalism. We learned about the idea of communication, public relations, and so on. Hey..it turned out that this is something I want to learn.

I applied to this organization at CSU to work as a parapro. My job is to help with multicultural programs. I really love my job. I'm also still working in dining services.

I went back home last christmas break. Everything was so different. All my friends have already had great jobs. A couple of them are married and one of them has a baby. Wow, where have I been?

Now, here I am in my last year of grad school. Hopefully! I don't have any classes this semester and all I have to do is write my thesis.

I thought this semester would be a relaxing semester. I am planning to finish my novel but it's not happening because I'm too busy with a lot of other things. It's hard to manage my time with two jobs, writing a thesis, organizing a tsunami fund raising, and writing a novel. Sometimes I feel like I don't have time to socialize anymore. And that's scary. But I'll live.

I got a call from my mom last night and we were talking about school and family stuff. Suddenly my mom told me that I'm a bit picky on finding a "boyfriend." Wow. Hmm..I don't think so. Well, maybe I am, but I have my own reasons though. And seriously, I still have an unfinished business here. No details.

I thought she knows me well, but I guess she's not. Well, it's probably because I don't feel like talking about that kind of stuff with my family, because it feels weird. So, it's probably my fault anyway. It made me sad sometimes when I think about it, but hey, what can you do?

I want to go back home so badly...!!! I want to finish school and find a decent 8 to 5 job.

I chatted with a couple of my friends last night and I missed them so much!

Anyways, here I am, sitting in front of the computer, writing the longest post ever. I was walking to the library earlier but I decided to go back because the weather was not good and I had left my file at home. But now, the sun is coming out and it looks really nice. Oh well.

My upcoming exciting things:

-Spring break
-Alicia Keys concert
-Maroon5 concert
-U2 concert

My not so exciting thing(s):

-I'm broke

Oh..by the way..I'm in love with an old friend. LOL!

"Tell me when will you be mine
Tell me quando quando quando
We can share a love devine
Please don't make me wait again

When will you say yes to me
Tell me quando quando quando
You mean happiness to me
Oh my lover tell me when"

(Michael Bublé - Quando, Quando, Quando)

a little note

no matter how hard i try, he just stands there and keeps quiet. i should have remembered this, because i know you so well..i think :) do you notice or do you not?


Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to break free and run...

(Lover, you should have come over- Jamie Cullum)

I am..

I am who I am today

I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a student and a friend
I am 23 and still my daddy's little girl
I am pink, blue and sensitive tan

I am CSU
I am far away from home, family, friends, and love ones
I am in love with diversity
I am looking for acceptance and I am seeking for peace

I am loving and caring
I am wanting to be loved and I am still waiting for him to come

I am strong on the surface, but fragile inside
I am helpful, a good listener, and a problem solver, but then I can never solve my own problems

I am religious in my own way, where I practice my Islamic belief
I am small and scared of God

I am quite but I can talk a lot
I am happy when others are happy

I am happy with my life
I am blessed with what I've been given and
I am grateful to be here in life today

-Jan. 15, 2004-

expecting the impossible

Am I expecting something that's impossible?

Impossible for me to have?

Where is this going?

I have so many questions in my mind that I'm even afraid to say.

One of my greatest gifts has been taken away.

How's he doing? I wonder..

"kulepas semua yang kuinginkan
tak akan kuulangi
maafkan jika kau kusayangi
dan bila kumenanti
pernahkah engkau coba mengerti
lihatlah ku di sini
mungkinkah jika aku bermimpi
salahkah tuk menanti

takkah lelah aku menanti
takkan hilang cintaku ini
hingga saat kau tak kembali
kan kukenang di hati saja

kau telah tinggalkan hati yang terdalam
hingga tiada cinta yang tersisa di jiwa"

(Peter pan - Yang terdalam)

the perfect dream

I close my eyes and I see myself five years from now. I'm walking in a big studio, wearing a very professional looking outfit with a name tag hanging around my neck. I'm carrying a script..it's a script for a show and I'm directing the show. It's already the end of the day and we finish our shoot early and everything is perfect. Somebody shouts, "It's a wrap!" and everybody claps. I walk out the studio feeling happy. Everyone keeps saying to me, "Good job!" I love my job.

I got home in a very comfortable and cozy house. The TV is on and I hear the sounds of cartoon characters that came from the Cartoon Networks. And there he is..in front of the tv..a little boy around three years of age watching the cartoon, while playing with his building blocks. "Mommy.." he said. I smile and hug him.

Suddenly, I hear a man's voice saying, "Hey, you're home." He walks toward me and give me a warm kiss on my forehead. He's still wearing his business outfit from this morning. There we have our "how's your day" conversation. It looks perfect.

I open my eyes..I smile and wish my dream would come true.

A quote that makes you go "aww"

From "Never been kissed:"

Josey: That thing, that moment. When you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person; and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life.

For the 5th time in my dreams, I could finally feel it again. What is going on?

saddest goodbye

There he went..can't believe he's leaving for good. This place will never be the same again. It's only been a couple hours and I miss him already. I spent my last three and a half years and share everything with you and I regret that I still complain sometimes. I'm sorry..that's all I can say. I lost you once and I knew since then my life would never be the same. And now you're not even here. Is this a sign telling me to move on? The question is, "Am I really ready to move on?"