blah..

he's so close, yet so far...
he's nice...
he's awesome...
he has his own elements spinned through the beats of satisfaction...
he's not mine...
cause he's taken

(unknown)

sadis..huehuhe..

The story of my life

Gosh..it's been a while since I wrote a real post here. Although I have so much to do right now, I feel like sharing something. That will be the story of my life :) Though, I wrote about some of these events sometimes ago, I just had to share them again.

I was born on July 27, 1981. Growing up in a small family with my mom, dad, and my sister, I have always been the quiet one, but none of my friends will believe me if I tell them I'm quiet and shy! I went to a preschool called tk Kembang and it turned out that I had several friends that I met throughout my life who went to that preschool too. Even my brother in-law went to that preschool with my sister before they even knew each other and fell in love.

I can say that I grew up in a devoted Moslem family. I went to an Islamic school since I was probably five-years-old. I met my very first friend when I was in the 1st grade. She was my deskmate and playmate. We went everywhere together and even moved out from one school to another together.

When I was in junior high, I met my first boyfriend. He was a year younger. Since then, my friends often joke around with me always attracted to little kid! It was weird, but hey..that's what happened. We went out for about nine months and that was it. I had a crush once with my bestfriend's ex-boyfriend, who was also my bestfriend. Confusing? Yes. Did she know? Yes. What happened? Nothing..and we're still bestfriend..it's just only a crush anyway.

I was a crazy kid in junior high who loved to make prank calls to the high school seniors and spy on them everywhere. I loved to just being silly.

When I graduated from junior high, I decided to try something new. I went to this great catholic school with only girls. One of my reasons was because of my boredom with my school uniforms which was always the same since I was in the elementary school! In my high school, I got to wear colorful short skirts and short sleeve shirts instead of a long..I mean long..boring skirts and long sleeve shirts. Hey..I lived in Jakarta where it's hot like crazy!

My first week in high school was a nightmare! My seniors were so damn scary. I got yelled and it was so freakin' annoying. Thank God my cousin was one of the seniors, so I got a little better treatment than the others :P I met a couple of my elementary school friends in high school, which was exiting. One of them become my close bestfriends. Being in a school with only girls had made us gone crazy here and there sometimes.

I met my second boyfriend when I was in my first year of highschool. Of course we were not in the same school! And the funny thing was, he was one of my bestfriends' ex who turned out to be a fake. What a real jerk! February 18, that was our anniversary. Eewh! Although I thought he's very cute. We went out for about two or three months and everything's a mess. We had a fight once because of a silly thing. I told him that Gwen Steffani was once a guy and she's now a transgender. We had a stupid fight because of that and never talked to each other ever since. It took me a year or two to forget about him. Crazy!

During my high school was when the Internet was booming. E-mails, online chat, etc. I got involved in what was called online love. Gross! I had a crush on one of them once. He was not even my type because he had this really weird but yet funkiest style ever. Then, I met someone who became my best buddy ever but we've never even met. Everything became so confusing, we were on and off, until I got yelled by his ex girlfriend on the Internet. What a weirdo.

I had a great sweet 17th birthday party during my second year in high school. Although I didn't know about 30 percent of the people who came to the party, I still enjoyed it. It was fun.

In my last year of high school, I got a chance to act like a senior. Yelling at our juniors for no reasons and acting crazy were my favorite times in high school. Especially after yelling to one of my juniors who turned out to be my ex-boyfriend's "I don't know what to call it."

My prom was okay. Didn't have a date but we all girls went together and booked a room at the hotel. Throughout the history, our school had always had the prom with another high school which was also a homogeneous school, with only guys.

Overall, my high school years were alright.

I graduated from high school and met this guy. Went out for two or three months and I broke it off. Why? We just had a different principle and I realized that we couldn't go anywhere because of that.

I did not get into any state universities, which was kinda sad. I was thinking on studying abroad. The options were either Singapore, Malaysia, and the U.S. But then, my mom found this community college that allowed its students to transfer to the U.S.

There I was..studying at IEP (Int'l Education Programs). My college years were great. I met great people who become my bestfriends. Again, I had a crush on one of them for more than a year. To me..he's perfect. Well, okay..almost. We're very close and had the same interest. He was..unpredictable. Yes..that's a perfect word for him. On and off that's how he was. "I need time to explore everything," that's what he pretty much said. Blah! He made me really stressed out that I just lost myself and cried to a couple of my friends on the rooftop of the building. That became a joke throughout the years. Oh well. Then he went out with another girl and didn't tell me about it. Whatever.

During my college year in Jakarta I got involved in this group of friends who planned to organize a "Battle of the bands" show. I met really cool people and become good friends with them. Meetings after meetings, we decided to not do it because it just hard to do it at that time. Though it was over, we all still hang out a lot and I ended up creating an event organizer with a couple of those people. Redlight productions. Lol!

It went great and I found my interest in event planning because of it. Without being over confident, I can say that I am good at it, although I still have a lot to learn. We organized a couple parties and had really fun times. We hung out almost every week, went to new cool bars and clubs in town on Fridays and went to movies or eat out on Saturdays. I missed the old times.

Also, during my college year, I met my friend from junior high, whom I had a crush on once, through my friend. It was so funny. We went out a couple of times and I didn't feel anything. So, I decided to stop and I regretted it.

Then, I graduated from my college and got an associate degree. I applied to several schools in the U.S. to continue my study and ended up in this good ol' Colorado. It was kinda sad leaving my friends and my life in Jakarta. It's going to be different, I knew it.

A couple of my friends from my community college also went to the U.S. to continue their study. One of them was in New York and another one went to Philly.

I got into the Business school in Colorado State University majoring in computer information system, which I hated the most, and marketing, which I enjoyed the most.

Around two or three months after I arrived, I started this relationship with this guy and it went on for almost three years. He's a great guy and everything, but we had problems here and there and we just didn't see us in the future. I believe that everything happened for a reason, so I just had to let it go. He just moved back home for good a couple of months ago.

I started working part time at this dining hall at the university. It was great! Earned my own money and everything.

My sister got married five months after I arrived here. I couldn't go home because I had so many tests and it was impossible to come home at that time.

My sister and her husband moved to D.C. for about three months. It was great, because I had the chance to visit them.

In my third semester, I became the president of the Indonesian Students Association and with my interest in event planning, I organized this huge..huge event called "Indonesian Night" where we had around 400 attendances. It was awesome and it felt great.

I graduated in 2003 and decided to go to grad school, majoring in technical journalism and communication. Journalism? That is not me. But then I found out that it's not all about journalism. We learned about the idea of communication, public relations, and so on. Hey..it turned out that this is something I want to learn.

I applied to this organization at CSU to work as a parapro. My job is to help with multicultural programs. I really love my job. I'm also still working in dining services.

I went back home last christmas break. Everything was so different. All my friends have already had great jobs. A couple of them are married and one of them has a baby. Wow, where have I been?

Now, here I am in my last year of grad school. Hopefully! I don't have any classes this semester and all I have to do is write my thesis.

I thought this semester would be a relaxing semester. I am planning to finish my novel but it's not happening because I'm too busy with a lot of other things. It's hard to manage my time with two jobs, writing a thesis, organizing a tsunami fund raising, and writing a novel. Sometimes I feel like I don't have time to socialize anymore. And that's scary. But I'll live.

I got a call from my mom last night and we were talking about school and family stuff. Suddenly my mom told me that I'm a bit picky on finding a "boyfriend." Wow. Hmm..I don't think so. Well, maybe I am, but I have my own reasons though. And seriously, I still have an unfinished business here. No details.

I thought she knows me well, but I guess she's not. Well, it's probably because I don't feel like talking about that kind of stuff with my family, because it feels weird. So, it's probably my fault anyway. It made me sad sometimes when I think about it, but hey, what can you do?

I want to go back home so badly...!!! I want to finish school and find a decent 8 to 5 job.

I chatted with a couple of my friends last night and I missed them so much!

Anyways, here I am, sitting in front of the computer, writing the longest post ever. I was walking to the library earlier but I decided to go back because the weather was not good and I had left my file at home. But now, the sun is coming out and it looks really nice. Oh well.

My upcoming exciting things:

-Spring break
-Alicia Keys concert
-Maroon5 concert
-U2 concert

My not so exciting thing(s):

-I'm broke

Oh..by the way..I'm in love with an old friend. LOL!

"Tell me when will you be mine
Tell me quando quando quando
We can share a love devine
Please don't make me wait again

When will you say yes to me
Tell me quando quando quando
You mean happiness to me
Oh my lover tell me when"

(Michael Bublé - Quando, Quando, Quando)

a little note

no matter how hard i try, he just stands there and keeps quiet. i should have remembered this, because i know you so well..i think :) do you notice or do you not?


Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to break free and run...

(Lover, you should have come over- Jamie Cullum)

I am..

I am who I am today

I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a student and a friend
I am 23 and still my daddy's little girl
I am pink, blue and sensitive tan

I am CSU
I am far away from home, family, friends, and love ones
I am in love with diversity
I am looking for acceptance and I am seeking for peace

I am loving and caring
I am wanting to be loved and I am still waiting for him to come

I am strong on the surface, but fragile inside
I am helpful, a good listener, and a problem solver, but then I can never solve my own problems

I am religious in my own way, where I practice my Islamic belief
I am small and scared of God

I am quite but I can talk a lot
I am happy when others are happy

I am happy with my life
I am blessed with what I've been given and
I am grateful to be here in life today

-Jan. 15, 2004-

expecting the impossible

Am I expecting something that's impossible?

Impossible for me to have?

Where is this going?

I have so many questions in my mind that I'm even afraid to say.

One of my greatest gifts has been taken away.

How's he doing? I wonder..

"kulepas semua yang kuinginkan
tak akan kuulangi
maafkan jika kau kusayangi
dan bila kumenanti
pernahkah engkau coba mengerti
lihatlah ku di sini
mungkinkah jika aku bermimpi
salahkah tuk menanti

takkah lelah aku menanti
takkan hilang cintaku ini
hingga saat kau tak kembali
kan kukenang di hati saja

kau telah tinggalkan hati yang terdalam
hingga tiada cinta yang tersisa di jiwa"

(Peter pan - Yang terdalam)

the perfect dream

I close my eyes and I see myself five years from now. I'm walking in a big studio, wearing a very professional looking outfit with a name tag hanging around my neck. I'm carrying a script..it's a script for a show and I'm directing the show. It's already the end of the day and we finish our shoot early and everything is perfect. Somebody shouts, "It's a wrap!" and everybody claps. I walk out the studio feeling happy. Everyone keeps saying to me, "Good job!" I love my job.

I got home in a very comfortable and cozy house. The TV is on and I hear the sounds of cartoon characters that came from the Cartoon Networks. And there he is..in front of the tv..a little boy around three years of age watching the cartoon, while playing with his building blocks. "Mommy.." he said. I smile and hug him.

Suddenly, I hear a man's voice saying, "Hey, you're home." He walks toward me and give me a warm kiss on my forehead. He's still wearing his business outfit from this morning. There we have our "how's your day" conversation. It looks perfect.

I open my eyes..I smile and wish my dream would come true.

A quote that makes you go "aww"

From "Never been kissed:"

Josey: That thing, that moment. When you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person; and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life.

For the 5th time in my dreams, I could finally feel it again. What is going on?

saddest goodbye

There he went..can't believe he's leaving for good. This place will never be the same again. It's only been a couple hours and I miss him already. I spent my last three and a half years and share everything with you and I regret that I still complain sometimes. I'm sorry..that's all I can say. I lost you once and I knew since then my life would never be the same. And now you're not even here. Is this a sign telling me to move on? The question is, "Am I really ready to move on?"

Do you believe in signs?

Are they something that we should really think about? What if the signs are trying to tell or lead you to something? Sometimes we just don't pay attention to this kind of thing, but you never know. I know that some of the things in my life that I've never considered as signs are actually signs, good signs. Maybe I'm just being weird, but it's true. I just never think about it after it actually happens, which leads to one of my favorite words, "serendipity." I love that word. The meaning itself is beautiful, ''the gift of making delightful discoveries by pure accident" (sammelpunkt). At least this is one of my favorite definitions of serendipity. It can be like a surprise. A delightful surprise that you've been waiting for, though you never realize it. It's like expecting the unexpected. It's like the whole universe is helping you to make that surprise happens at the end. You just don't know that it would happen but you can feel it sometimes..through signs. So, do I believe in signs? I guess the answer to it is..yes.

"Kupercaya alam pun berbahasa
Ada makna dibalik semua pertanda
Firasat ini
Rasa rindukah ataukah tanda bahaya"

(Marcell - Firasat)

whom to trust?

Seseorang bertanya kepadaku, siapa sih yang bisa kamu bilang teman atau sahabat? aku hanya bisa menggelengkan kepala karena aku sendiri tidak yakin akan jawabannya. Sahabatku banyak...sepertinya. Mereka semua tersebar di bumi ini, ada yang di belahan bumi bagian timur dan ada yang di belahan bumi bagian barat. Lalu dia bertanya lagi. Sebatas apa sih kamu melihat seseorang sebagai sahabat? Menurutku sahabat itu adalah seseorang yang selalu ada dikala susah dan senang. Seseorang yang mau mendengarkan curahan hatiku dan mau memberikan solusi kepada problemaku. Seseorang yang bisa membuka diriku disaat dia merasakan kegelisahanku. Seseorang yang mau berteman dengan diriku yang apa adanya dengan tulus hati. Kamu bilang sahabatmu banyak, bagaimana bisa kamu menemukan orang2 yang seperti kamu bilang? Mungkin aku adalah salah satu dari sebagian orang yang beruntung di dunia ini. Kalau teman? Kuterdiam. Kalau teman? Kuakui aku punya banyak teman, baik yang dekat maupun yang biasa saja. Tapi terkadang aku tak tau apakah mereka benar2 ingin berteman denganku. Mengapa? Lalu kubalik bertanya. Apakah bisa kuanggap orang2 itu teman apabila mereka hanya mau berteman denganku disaat mereka suka? Maksudmu? Aku bingung. Taukah kamu bahwa di dunia ini apabila kamu berteman dengan orang yang tidak disukai oleh teman2mu, kamu akan dijauhi. Apakah aku harus menjauhi teman atau sahabatku yang mereka tidak sukai agar mereka mau menyukaiku? Disaat teman atau sahabatku jauh, orang2 itu mendekatiku, tetapi disaat dia dekat, aku tak digubris sedikitpun. Orang2 seperti itu yang kuanggap sebagai teman2 baikku ternyata memiliki perasaan yang berbeda. Ah, ya sudahlah. Toh aku tetap sayang mereka. Mungkinkah aku terlalu naif? Aku juga tidak mengerti.

:)

"There’s always that one person that will always have your heart
You never see it coming cause you’re blinded from the start
Know that you’re that one for me
it’s clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby (you will always be my boo)"

ini salah..itu salah..jadi harus gimana? if you were me, you would know how I feel. cape..

To sing or not to sing

lol. This whole Ashlee Simpson thing makes me wanna laugh. What happened to her? Okay, here is the story. She performed at the Saturday Night Live show last week and when she was going to start her second song, she was caught lipsyncing!! Her recorded voice from her first song came out live and her band continued playing that song, which wasn't supposed to be played. She started doing the silly dance and finally went off the stage. Remember Milli Vanilli? lol. It was so funny and totally embarrasing. I didn't watch the show on that day, but it's all over the Internet.

At the end of the show she apologized and blamed her band for playing the wrong song. Not cool. What's up with that? All her fans were so mad that her Web site forum had to be closed. One of her staff was so fed up because of all the angry fans and posted her phone number on her Web site. The Webmaster finally found out about that and had to take it out. lol. Too late. Guess what? People are now selling her phone number on eBay.

She finally apologized for blaming her band and she said that she had a voice problem and that was her first time doing the lipsync. lol. They said that her drummer pushed the wrong button. Well..that's live TV!

Check out this Web site to see her SNL performance and other things:

http://www.ashleesimpson.net/

Why am I writing about Ashlee Simpson anyway?

Happy Birthday...

Lyrics of the day: Nelly - Over and over

"Now that I’ve realized
That I’m going down
From all this pain you put me through
Every time I close my eyes I lock it down
I can’t go on not loving you"

Switchfoot

Gosh, my mind's everywhere. I couldn't believe that I didn't write anything about my weekend, because me and Puma got a chance to go to Denver to watch Switchfoot live! I love that band. It was at the Paramount Theatre. It was fun, except there were so many high schoolers with their parents! Oh well! There were two opening bands, one of them was called The Format or something. They were awesome. Switchfoot was awesome too. Of course, they put their two biggest hits at the end. They played "Meant to live" and then went backstage as if it was over. I hate when artists do that in every concert. Come on, we know that they will come out and sing again!! That's just so lame. Anyway, at the end they played "Dare you to move." I love that song. I fell in love with this band since their songs became the soundtracks for A Walk to Remember .

The concert finished at about 10. We already had dinner earlier because it was the first day of fasting and we were so hungry. We decided to spend the night at Mba Rani's. Woke up at around 3:30 a.m. and went to Jerusalem to get something to eat..yumm! The next day we just hang around in Denver, went shopping, ate Chinese for dinner, and went home. I was so tired, but I had fun that day :)

State of Confusion

I watched Runaway Bride last night for the gazzilion time and came across a quote from Maggie Carpenter, which made my tears fell from my eyes..hiks..hiks..lol =P

It goes like this:

"Look, I guarantee that we'll have tough times. And I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us will want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me."

I'm in this state of confusion. Dilemma. It's like I have to choose between two different paths. The first path will definitely make me happy, but it's only temporary. The second one is still unclear. I'm not sure if it's going to make me happy or miserable. But I'm pretty sure that it's the right choice. Hmm..what the hell am I talking about?

Marhaban Ya Ramadhan

Selamat menunaikan ibadah puasa 1425 H bagi yang melaksanakan.

Mohon maaf lahir dan bathin.

Semoga puasanya lancar2 semuanya. Amien

-Dhania-

Good Quote

"In this life I'm not looking for someone that I can live with, but I'm looking for someone that I can't live without."

That's a really touching quote. If i were going to play devil's advocate here, what if..you find someone that you can't live without, and that someone feels the same way, but you just can't be together? What would you do?

My life colors

I took this test from a book called, "Life Colors," by Pamala Oslie. The two colors that turn out really strong in my aura are sensitive tan and blue. It's funny because I've always love blue since I was little. Everything that my parents got me from glue to my clothes are bluish in color, because they know that blue's my favorite color. But, sensitive tan? I don't understand it at first. I don't even know what sensitive tan looks like. But when I actually read the book, it does make sense. Sensitive tan is the mental life color and blue is the emotional color. Both are said to be related, but in the opposite ways, because "Sensitive tans are the bridge between the mental colors and the emotional colors. Their personalities are a subtle combination of the mental Tan qualities and the emotional Blue qualities."

Facts about Sensitive Tans:

• Sensitive tans are emotional and intuitive, but they tend to keep their feelings to themselves. True. One time when I was still in college back home, I was so upset and told my feelings to my friend and I actually cried in front of him. One time only! And he still makes fun about it :P
• Sensitive tans are sincere and patient listeners.
• Sensitive tans value love, commitment, dedication, patient understanding, and good communication in their relationships and they want the same consideration from their mates. True. I guess that's why sometimes I ask too much.
• Prefer practical, reliable, and devoted mates who will commit to a long-term relationship.
• One of the most appealing occupations that fit me is public relations. Hmm..no wonder I've always enjoyed organizing events.

Facts about Blues:

• The most loving, nurturing, and supportive personalities of the Life Colors.
• The most emotional personalities. They can cry at the drop of a hat - when they are happy, hurt, angry, sad, or for no apparent reason. True. I cry when I listen to sad and mellow song lyrics.
• When blues are in power, people trust them.
• More than anything in the world, Blues want to be in loving, committed, and emotionally connected relationship.
• Happy when they are in a good relationship, but most unfulfilled and depressed when they are alone or are in bad relationships. Hmm..whatever.
• Blues can give themselves away or change themselves just to be loved. Not good, but true.
• Blues have a difficult time letting go, because to let go means to stop loving. Absolutely true!
• Occupation that is most appealing is assistant or director at nonprofit organizations or psychologist. I worked at a nonprofit organization before and I always thought that I could be a good psychologist :P

I guess my Blue side is stronger than my Sensitive Tan's lately. My life is a bit complicated right now, and I really need to start sorting things out.

I've learned a lot about me from this book. I thought I knew myself well before I read this book. Well..I guess I was wrong.

My stories

Sometimes I look back over my life and think about everything that's happened, which always makes me smile :) Let me share you some stories:

1. I was deeply in love with my bestfriends' boyfriends. Okay, there were two of them, and the boyfriends were my bestfriends too. It was a long time ago and nothing really happened, though, 'coz I knew that I would be in trouble!
2. As I think about it, I've always had this thing for my bestfriends (i mean the guys!). Don't get me wrong! I'm not that kind of girl who likes to steal my bestfriends' boyfriends!! I've always kept my mouth shut about it.
3. I found out that my boyfriend from high school had an affair with my junior and I ended up yelling at her almost everyday in high school.
4. There was this guy from junior high that I really liked. We met again a couple of years later through one of my friends from college and we kinda hit it off. We kissed and I felt no sparks. I said to myself, "forget it!" And I've regretted it, ever since. Sparks or no sparks, they're not important. Are they?
5. This one was embarrasing, but I met this guy on the Net and we become such good friends. I guess his girlfriend snooped to his computer and found my pictures and she actually yelled at me in a chat room!! After almost 5 years, me and the guy are still good friends, but we've never met, even once! It's just funny because we're in this circle of friends that we both know....but we've never met.
6. I was chatting with a guy on MSN, when suddenly her ex-girlfriend signed-in by using his screen name and started asking me questions about my relationship with her ex-boyfriend, wtf?
7. I had never been in love until I met my last boyfriend. I can't stand him, but I love him to death. Sometimes I still wish that we can go back together.

Okay, enough said, before I start humiliating myself here. Would you like to tell me your stories now?